Why. No. The Belt Bag.

Rebranding a fanny pack as a “belt bag” doesn’t make it any less a fanny pack. I love that I’m seeing these crop up all over the place, but to me, they belong on a mom or dad at a theme park. One use and one use alone. And you can bet that I sure as hell won’t drop $1800 bucks for something that will invariably get doused when I go down Splash Mountain.

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GG Marmont Velvet Belt Bag – $1,890

Listen, I don’t mind that these are making a comeback from the 80s and early 90s (though it’s been attempted on and off for the past 6 or 7 years, at least, on runways with limited success). What I mind is not calling a spade a spade, and for something to be so on-trend it’s almost useless for daily life. You can fight me on this, but when I have kids, IF I ever elect to wear a FANNY PACK, you can be sure I’ll be proudly rockin’ the Goofy special in some garish neon color, having paid for the Walt Disney tickets with all the money I saved NOT buying these (despite the inarguable stylishness).

WHY. NO. – The Rhinestone Cowboy Boot

Flipping through magazines, I spotted a western-themed spread… and one of the items featured was this Dolce and Gabbana 30 mm Crystal Western Boot.

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Even though I recently sold my pair of cowboy boots (still on the lookout for an ideal pair, mind you), I legitimately have no idea how you’d wear these outside of a fetish outfit for a stripper. Maybe this is me missing something or just not being “It-Girl” enough… but I just don’t get it. I’ll do a feature at some point on how to wear cowboy boots (they’re unbelievably cute, and when maintained properly, perfectly comfortable), but they won’t be these.

Oh, and if you want to choke on your drink, these blinding, vajazzled monstrosities cost $6,500. You can buy a car or new boobs for that number.