Why. No. The Belt Bag.

Rebranding a fanny pack as a “belt bag” doesn’t make it any less a fanny pack. I love that I’m seeing these crop up all over the place, but to me, they belong on a mom or dad at a theme park. One use and one use alone. And you can bet that I sure as hell won’t drop $1800 bucks for something that will invariably get doused when I go down Splash Mountain.

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GG Marmont Velvet Belt Bag – $1,890

Listen, I don’t mind that these are making a comeback from the 80s and early 90s (though it’s been attempted on and off for the past 6 or 7 years, at least, on runways with limited success). What I mind is not calling a spade a spade, and for something to be so on-trend it’s almost useless for daily life. You can fight me on this, but when I have kids, IF I ever elect to wear a FANNY PACK, you can be sure I’ll be proudly rockin’ the Goofy special in some garish neon color, having paid for the Walt Disney tickets with all the money I saved NOT buying these (despite the inarguable stylishness).

A Girl Can Dream: Daniela Villegas

I can’t find these earrings in stock, but I’m absolutely in love with them. I love classic and easy pieces, particularly when it comes to clothing – but I really like to indulge myself with funky and crazy jewelry pieces and accessories that can amp things up and really just kind of let my creative side loose.

That said, I don’t love jewelry that will turn my ears green, so indulgent pieces aren’t exactly something I feel great splurging on – I’d rather get jewelry that lasts a long time and is multi-purpose.

But this Jurassic Park 25 collection by Daniela Villegas (an NBC Universal collab to commemorate the film) is something I’m kind of obsessed with. Comparable DV pieces I’ve found online cost thousands, so while I can’t find pricing on these, I know for a fact I can’t afford them. But I’ll lust after them anyway!!

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Meteoro Earrings

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Triceratiops Ring

WHY. NO. – The Rhinestone Cowboy Boot

Flipping through magazines, I spotted a western-themed spread… and one of the items featured was this Dolce and Gabbana 30 mm Crystal Western Boot.

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Even though I recently sold my pair of cowboy boots (still on the lookout for an ideal pair, mind you), I legitimately have no idea how you’d wear these outside of a fetish outfit for a stripper. Maybe this is me missing something or just not being “It-Girl” enough… but I just don’t get it. I’ll do a feature at some point on how to wear cowboy boots (they’re unbelievably cute, and when maintained properly, perfectly comfortable), but they won’t be these.

Oh, and if you want to choke on your drink, these blinding, vajazzled monstrosities cost $6,500. You can buy a car or new boobs for that number.

A Girl Can Dream: Luxury Nightwear

This actually is something a little more attainable in my “girl can dream” series of luxury items. Personally, silk nightwear has always been an indulgent fantasy of mine, but I still haven’t copped because I’m just a gross, disgusting sleeper who sweats through everything, and I imagine I’d ruin anything that wasn’t a plain cotton t-shirt quicker than you can say “deodorant.”

However, if you were going to cop, Lunya does washable silk sleepwear that’s super cute. They have silk kits and slips, as well as short pj sets, but I personally have already put these two items on my Christmas wish list with my husband:

WASHABLE SILK PANT SET – $238

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WASHABLE SILK ROBE – $248

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Not quite as out-of-reach, but more out of budget than strictly necessary. But this segment is all about indulgence, right?

A Girl Can Dream: YSL Lace-Up Sandals

I can’t ever justify┬ádropping a grand on shoes, but here’s a pair of Saint Laurent Suede Lace Up Platforms, on sale for $845.

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I’m gonna lust from a distance, but if you’re the type to have F-you money as disposable income, I am both envious of you and encourage you to trade in some of that F-you money for these F-me heels.

Maybe there’s a nice dupe I can find somewhere for me!